apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
