so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
