I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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