Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
