im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The ass gains better be worth it
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