somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
