i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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