smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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