so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Welp...herpes.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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