I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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