I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
