My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
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I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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