There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
