I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
