Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
