ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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