You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
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I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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