Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
