She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
