You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just pee around me
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
