Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
