Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I don't deserve a penis
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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