Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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