tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
