I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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