I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
