When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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