I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
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Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
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The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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