fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
