Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
