The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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