guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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