dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
