Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
