so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
