It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We had to coat check the pizza.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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