I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
