she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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