I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
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The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
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I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.