i just sent this text using only my big toe
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it