Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
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Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
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when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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