We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
