I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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