At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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