Define "chronic" masturbator.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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