k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
