Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
