Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
