Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
