This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I wish I only lived at night.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
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Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
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I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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