After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
