Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
