WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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