Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
