Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
