My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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