Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Damn victory sex feels great
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